Kind of a depressing little poem about war. War should be avoided, not sought. Anyhoo, I'm sure there are a few grammatical mistakes--I wrote this in a bit of a hurry. I'll get around to fixing them eventually. :)
Scarred by battle and wearied by the road,
alone on the highway a gaunt elf strode.
Tangled are his locks, his eyes are hollows;
behind him a long, thin shadow follows.
Plagued by deaths of friends with whom he once rode,
he's burdened by the emotional load.
The last of his kind are scattered like leaves
torn from the oak by a chill autumn breeze.
The battle was bloody, the war was long;
soon to be glorified by drunks with song
to romanticise the death of a race--
This thought brings a bitter smile to elf's face.
Too quickly into war both sides had flown
for reasons that will now remain unknown.
As fallen warriors drew their last breath,
the clear victor of this fight had been Death.
A week has passed since elf left the dying
for the black vultures overhead flying.
Under his nails is dark earth from the grave
of his fallen brother he could not save.
His course follows the westering sun.
He knows the long days of the elves are done.
His worn feet shuffle on, left after right;
merciless sun by day, cold moon by night.
As the twilight of the vast sky grows dim,
the end has come, not for road, but for him.
His footsteps falter, he falls to the ground,
he dies alone, no one else is around.
Hi Brandi, just stopped by to read your poem for the 12th time for reference and thought I'd leave a comment this time. Although it may be over for you it's still the 25th where I'm at. Merry Christmas! B. Layne Weaver replies: "Hello!! I can't wait until the pic is done... how's it coming along? I'm really anxious to see it! Let me know as soon as it's done, and not a second later! lol Well, since Christmas is over, have a nice New Year!"
::Weak comment alert:: The emotions in this are very strong, but then it's a strong subject to write upon. Particularly the lines -
"Under his nails is dark earth from the grave of his fallen brother he could not save."
Tragic detail like that really brought the whole thing home, as was him dying alone.
Sorry for rubbish comment, beautifully done. B. Layne Weaver replies: ":: Ego alert! :: lol Though I have a few tragic poems in my collection, this one is the darkest--no wait, I lied... there is another dark one. Anyway, I'm glad you like it. And I don't think your comment is rubbish... since my techniques in meter, etc sometimes tend to be flawed, it's refreshing to receive a comment for its content rather than its structure. So, thank you very much! *hugs*"
6 Jan 2005
Kirsty 'Chibs' Morrison
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#thums up# Another good poem. It brings home just how horrible war is. Its kinda freaky cause I found this poem just as I sent one of my own with a similar theme into the mod queue. B. Layne Weaver replies: "THE MOD QUEUE'S OPEN!!! *does several backflips before crashing into the wall* I'm glad I read this comment... I've almost given up on the "publish changes" button. Back to the point... Thanks for the comment! I'll definitely have to swing by your page when your ticket goes through so I can check out your poem. Take care!"
11 Jan 2005
James A. Welke
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aye, but war, sometimes, is required to right wrongs or attain freedom, yes? as for the poem, I enjoyed myself, that's for sure! I know what you mean about rushing poems...or anything for that matter. everyone just seems to pick on the same things when you meant it to be a small little ditty that was created quickly, just for fun. It's not MEANT to be perfect, aye? B. Layne Weaver replies: "This is one of my least favorite poems, probably because I wrote it so quickly. Maybe one day I'll re-work it. *shrugs* Thanks for reading though!"
I am officially jealous of all poemists. I couldn't write a poem as well as that if my life depended upon it. It was so sad, very proviking ( emotionally). I loved it though. I'm going to pop on through the rest of your library here and see what other wonderful stuff I can comment on... B. Layne Weaver replies: ""poemists" *lol* Cute! Thanks a lot for checking out my little library. I'll be over soon to check out yours. Bye now!"
Aw...poor guy! War is Hell... I must apologize in advance for the following crit. It is long and it is harsh, but know that I aim to help...I've had my own poems ripped into, torn apart, and I felt oddly wonderful about it, knowing that they respected me enough to give it to me straight and wanted to see me improve, not dash my dreams and all that. [is stalling...] Please...don't hate me...only trying to help...[hugs] *laughs* No worries, m'dear! I c'n take it. ^_~ Sorry it took me so long to reply to this. I wasn't hiding from this comment, I just never noticed it was here! *chuckles* I have no dreams of being a poet. It's just something to do when I'm bored with prose. I'll be the first to admit my skills with meter are lacking, to say the least. This is probably my least favorite poem of the ones I have posted. I've been thinking of taking it down for a rewrite. I think I shall do that...
/Scarred by battle and wearied by the road, alone on the highway a gaunt elf strode.// I’m a stickler for flipping things to get a rhyme…but I won’t get into them unless I can find alternative phrasing…
/Tangled are his locks, his eyes are hollows; behind him a long, thin shadow follows.// “His locks are tangled, his eyes are hollowed; Behind him only a shadow followed.” Followed goes with the tense, and it also helps with the parallelism in the first part. You could do long, thin, but you mentioned he was gaunt, so we know he’s thin…
/to romanticise the death of a race-- This thought brings a bitter smile to elf's face.// Maybe describe the “race” with a two-syllable word (I’m one for rhythm ‘n’ smoothness, not perfect syllable count ^_~)? “This thought brings bitterness to the (brave? lone?) elf’s face”? Or even could leave in a bitter smile, aye...
/Too quickly into war both sides had flown for reasons that will now remain unknown.// Flipped…
/As fallen warriors drew their last breath, the clear victor of this fight had been Death.// “clearly the victor of this fight was Death.”?...I don't know...yours sounds better actually...hmm...[ponders]
/A week has passed since elf left the dying for the black vultures overhead flying.// “A week has passed since he’d left the dying For the cruel vultures that were flying.”?
/As the twilight of the vast sky grows dim, the end has come, not for road, but for him.// “the end has come, not for the road, but for him.”?
/His footsteps falter, he falls to the ground, he dies alone, no one else is around.// No one else is around is a given, as he dies alone…maybe something, one last thing about the shadow? I liked the shadow.
'M so, so sorry…I butchered it, but know that I don’t expect you to take many, or any of the suggestions, I only aim to give food for thought. Your count is perfect, but some things are lost because of it. Some things can be stretched to fit the rhythm, even if you can’t get the perfect count ^_^ Lovely poem, really dark and so sad…why does war have to destroy so much? Really did like the poem. I love your poems, I just get a bit over-zealous when I try’n be helpful…poetry’s such a personal thing, at least for a lot of people, and I apologize…again…so sorry…[hides behind large plate of fudge] *grabs Emily's arm and pulls her out from hiding* No worries! And thankees for taking the time to give so much constructive crit! *hugs* As I mentioned, this is probably my least favorite piece in my library, and it'll probably come down... perhaps for a rewrite. So thanks for all the help! I'll definitely keep it in mind if I ever rewrite this thing. ^_^
Whooaa, you seemed to get a lot of crit on this - helpful, i know, but sometimes a nice bit of encouragement is very reassuring. So here you are: I really enjoyed this. These lines form a lovely, clear image in my mind: 'alone on the highway a gaunt elf strode. Tangled are his locks, his eyes are hollows; behind him a long, thin shadow follows.' The poem has a sort of glum, sad air to it, and you've done that really well. So well done!Eep! How did I miss this comment? Sorry that it took me so long to reply; usually i try to answer comments within a day or two. Anyway, thanks a lot for reading and commenting! It's much appreciated!
In general, I'm not much for poems but this was really good. ...sorry I can't think of much to help you tweak this one. Poor guy, dying all alone. v_v B. Layne Weaver replies: "Thank you for the comment! This one is an old one--really needs to be re-worked, I'm sure, but I've not been inspired to do it just yet. "
I really like this poem! It is so full of emotion, and it does bring across a clear message that war is senseless and wrong. The sad tone was really well brought in, and the rhythm seems quite fine most of the time - the line "Plagued by deaths of friends with whom he once rode" is a bit long, but that’s the only one I noticed.
Again, I must say I really like this poem. ^^ From what I’ve read so far, you bring emotions into your poems quite well! I’ll be back sometime to read more~
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Let me know as soon as it's done, and not a second later! lol Well, since Christmas is over, have a nice New Year!"
Kirsty 'Chibs' Morrison
